Confused and pained

I talked to my mother today, like I do almost everyday. She told me two things. One that she had had a vomiting and that my father in law was ill.

Well, I told her to drink fluids, eat well, rest well and not go out in the sun for too long. Then came back home told Ramu about my father in law and we called India.

Turns out my father in law has a UTI and had a raging 105F temperature when he finally relented and went to the doctor in the morning on Monday the 28th. So we tell my mother in law how to monitor this temperature using a thermometer, how he should drink more fluids and eat right.

WTH, it felt so fake saying those things both to my FIL and my mother. If we really cared we should be THERE, taking care of them. We make jokes about how they are not not 25 anymore. But do WE realize that they aren't 25 anymore? That may be they need taking care of , whether they admit it or not? I feel guilty. I feel selfish for wanting to stay here and have an easy life.

But the prospect of going to India is scary - the political system,, the social system, the medical facilities, the education system - everything feels restrictive and sub-standard.

These are people we care about, people we love and the only people who give a shit about us. It is very hard for them to leave there and settle here. We can't even sponsor my mom, and my fil doesn't want to be here, my mil is at best equivocal. We don't want to leave considering how growing up here would be so much better for Laasya and how staying here would help us retain our freedom.

But it feels horrible horrible when I think about how we need to be taking care of our families - feels like we are escapists only pretending to care about people who have sacrificed so much for us, like we are dropping them like hot potatoes, when it is their turn to be looked after - just because it is so much easier materially.

I want to take care of them. I want to hand my mom those fluids I asked her to take. I want to take my fil's temperature with a thermometer like we instructed my mil to do. I want to take them both to the doctor - give them their medication when it is time. I want to massage their feet when they hurt. I want to feed them. I want to do things for them, like I do them for my daughter - just like they did for me and Ramu.

Am I a better person because I feel guilt? I don't think so. Obviously I don't feel enough guilt or responsibility to make the leap. As long as my guilt/love doesn't translate into action, I am worse than children that just plain abandon their parents. At least they are not hypocrites - and they are at peace with their decision.

What do I do God? Please show me a way.

uneventful weekend

So since ba left on thursday, chaos ensued. I had my class starting at 7 pm and I just barely made it. All in all the class was good. The class had students whose abilities ranged from total newbie to pretty good. I guess I fall somewhere in between.

I finally made the decision to go with this group for my training. And attended their Saturday training as well. The instructor is pretty good. I am almost jealous of him. Anyway, on Saturday, we learnt about maven and creating a maven project.

We talked about a high concurrency architecture called SEDA. Then we talked about how their company was coming up with this software solution that completely does-away with the middle tier of apps. Interesting, huh?

The assignment for Saturday was to create a simple maven project.

Considering that Ba was not there, studying through the weekend was a challenge. So here I am on Monday.

My monday has so far, been pretty productive. I woke up at 7 and then went to the boot camp class at 8 am and then on my way back went to the library to return the dvds. Then got home and talked for a bit on phone with akkaya.

Then around 11:15 started studying. At around 12:30, I took a break and cooked then went back to the videos for another couple of hours

Productive week indeed!

This Tuesday, I went to the pediatrician's office to get Laasya checked out since she seemed to have a rash on her tummy. Turns out it is eczema and her skin is just sensitive. Since she was there anyway, I got her 4 month shots (apparently they only need 6 weeks in between month 2 and month 4 shots). She cried a little then I fed her in the doctor's office, and she fell asleep and stayed asleep.

Her temperature rose to 99.7 in the evening and I gave her some tylenol and again at 10 her temp was 100.2 then gave her some more tylenol (1.25 ml of the new formula tylenol) and in another hour her temp just rose to 101.2 and kept rising. I freaked. I didn't want a repeat of Yashika's episode with high temp. Called the answering service and the RUDE woman at the other end made me want to change physicians. She gave me a lot of crap about what was going on with the baby before telling me that she is not the nurse. God - if i could iw ould have smacked her. So there went Tuesday night. By Wednesday morning, however, her fever let up for a bit before going up again in the afternoon. It was around 100.7 around 11 am and I gave her some tylenol and she seemed fine and then the fever did not return.

Then from Thursday she didn't feed well for a day.

Sogasu chuda tarama...

This is a classical song composed by Sri Tyagaraja - the true significance of which dawned on me when my baby looked at me and gave me one of her 'I can make the world stop' smiles.

The song originally intended to praise the beauty of Lord Rama as a child - but some where along the line, thanks to our movie lyricists/producers/directors, has been removed from its prisinte context. What irks me is that, this new misrepresentation not only robs the song of its beautiful innocence, but imparts to it, a lustful connotation that was never part of the composer's design. Oh and, there is nothing beautiful or clever about it - just cheap lack of creativity.

Anyway, here is the song and why it reminds me of my daughter.

sogasu chuda tarama, nee
sogasu chuda tarama

(Is it even possible to behold your beauty?)

niganiga manuchu kapola
yugamu che merayu momu.. |sogasu|

the face that shines(merayu momu), with sparkling bright (niga niga manuchu) cheeks (kapola yugamu - pair of cheeks) - think of a little child's happy, smiling face - what else can bring forth that burst of pure joyous spontaneity?

chirunavvo mungurulo
mari kannula theto
vara tyagaraja vandaneeya
itu vanti - sogasu chuda tarama?


is it the fleeting smile or is it those tiny wisps of hair dancing around the face, or may be it is those beautiful clear eyes, oh he who Tyagaraja bows to, is it possible to behold such beauty?

God, what a beautiful composition! This song pays homage to the divinity reflected in the innocence of a child. That is why I love this song and that is why it reminds me of my baby.

Another milestone!

So today, at 3 months 3 weeks, she did it. She rolled over. Oh my god and what a roll-over it was! She rolled over, rolled again. And once she got a hang of it after doing it once, SHE DIDN'T QUIT rolling!!!

All I had to do was leave her on her mat and go into the kitchen, and come back to find her 2-3 feet from where I'd laid her. So WOW what a way to start the weekend!

Later at night Ramu Lassie n I went out for dinner and then for a walk. All the way we were singing humming and laughing.. it was awesome. Never felt more connected. The day started beautifully and couldn't have gone better if I'd planned it. Good times!

Little tease!

So here is what she does. When I lay her on her back, she turns on her side, teeters there for a second, while we all wait holding our breath to see if she would go the extra millimeter and flip over, she fall right back on her back. What a tease!

And her other recent acheivement is holding her toes with her hands and then stretching her legs. And today, being friday, I am alone at home with her. My oh my, is she demanding! She wanted to see me the whole time. They only way I could clean up in the kitchen was if I sat her down in her high chair and set it down in the Kitchen. I might get used to this attention.

Later, performing doing the  'other cheek' trick for her daddy, I put her to sleep. Oh and her daddy came back home early from work.

I am sleepy but determined to get to the bottom of JDBC. I went through the javapassion video and then went through my instructor's lesson and finished the assignment and now on to the Java specification.

I did not work out today - I didn't even shower - hell I didn't even get a chance to pee in peace.

What is funny is Ramu seems to be stressed out about what to do for Mother's Day. He he he. I  think I will let him writhe in agony for just a little while longer....

my baby may 9th

So my little one is now over 3 months old. She is quite a drama queen and wants people around her. Latest additions to her repertoire are her sitting with one leg across the other and one hand under the head in her bouncer - quite the beach babe.

Also she has mastered the art of turning the other cheek. Let me elaborate. To produce relevant results, start with kissing her uncontrollably on her cheek A. She tolerates this for a few seconds before she 'turns the other cheek' towards you. Repeat the process and she 'turns the other cheek' yet again. After a few minutes of this exercise, she has had a good neck workout and we are left wanting more of her baby 'cheeks'.

Oh yes - try kissing her either on her lips or on her chin and she responds by sticking her tongue out and licking you - yeah very funny. LOL

Inspired!

Inspired by the progress of an aquaintance, I decided to set short term goals - for the next 2 months and track them on my blog.

Here is my list of goals:

1) Spend at least 3 non-class hours on improving my professional skill set.
2) Spend half an hour a day for meditation
3) One hour a day for work out
4) Focus on eating healthy and not skipping meals
4) Work on improving my patience and tolerance
5) Become more financially aware
6) Spend a little time (even if it is only 15 mins) organizing the house - everyday.

Lets see how I do, Good luck to me!

Living life, a day at a time.

I was recently reading Dale Carnegie's 'Stop worrying, start living'. Here, he talks about living life in 'day-tight' compartments. No, the idea is not novel. But it is amazing how much we need to be reminded of it. We hold on to past grievances, speculate about future's uncertainties, analyze somebody else's weaknesses/pettiness/tragedies, worry ourselves sick and end up losing the precious moment we have at hand.

Thirty weeks finally!

We are getting there! I am 30 weeks 3 days. I wasn't sure I'd make it even this long. So thats reason enough to celebrate. Life is moving at lightening speed now, I have enough doctor appointments lined up over the next month and a half, to put Obama to shame. I have anywhere from 2-3 appointments a WEEK!! But the craziness is only for a month or so. After that we will be on our final stretch.

Of the things to do, there is still a ton of shopping left. The only thing we did do so far is order a travel system online. It is due to arrive in the next couple of days.  It is a beautiful tan and orange travel system by baby trend. I am now a little worried that I fell for form over function/ratings. We will know once it is here.

Travel system or car-seat, baby carrier and a bare-bones stroller frame? I kind of like the idea of a baby carrier. But again, since I have already ordered a travel system, we will see how that goes.

On to the next decision - will the baby co-sleep or are we getting a crib for her? The jury is divided in half over that - so essentially we can't make up our minds. 4 years ago when we started planning for a family, we bought a king bed, so our little one could sleep alongside mommy and daddy. We are both relatively small so there is plenty of room. But is it safe?

Need to clear out my dresser for baby's stuff and pack a diaper bag. Also need to get baby's medical supplies and bathing supplies.

3 weeks today

Yes, the previous post was anything but premature as i ended up delivering 3 days later at 37 weeks, even.
As usual we went for a routine check-up at the MFM, which turned out to be not so routine. Well, this time around it was my blood pressure - it had shot up to 187 over 100. So the doctor decided to deliver the baby the same day. So our precious little baby finally made her dramatic entrance, on the 27th of January 2012.

36 weeks 4 days

3 more days and we will be full-term - technically. Now guys - THAT is one hell of a milestone - not a silent, humble milestone like 32 weeks. It is a scream-out loud, in-your-face milestone. One I never thought I'd get to.

I am thrilled, proud and excited. It is the result of all the sweat and blood of a lot of people who have sacrificed more than just their time to get me here.

Accolades to my mom and my husband who have been here every step of the way, caring for me, dealing with me and giving me all the love I needed to get through this. Then, my aunt who just happened to be a god-send just when needed her most. Then, my friends who helped us stay happy through the entire time - their company made us forget how scary this ride was - you know who you are. The doctors who were ready and waiting for all kinds of curve balls my body would throw at them. And all the people who prayed for us - guys I love you all. I will make sure the little one knows of all of your hard-work and is properly grateful.

I am not sure if this post is premature. But I am grateful nevertheless.

34 weeks today

Still cruising along, the latest installment of this drama being - we had a humpty-dumpty family moment. If you are wondering what That might me, we all fell. Yes - you heard that right. All three of us fell.

After all the bed-rest and not lifting a finger, I slid on ice and FELL. So did daddy LOL. We were just stepping out for a doctor's appointment, no less and the second I set foot on the drive way, I slid all the way and thump - landed on my butt which is now nice, round, soft and so cushiony, I didn't feel a thing - at least not that day. So Daddy steps out to help mommy up and slides and falls too.

Well it is all funny now cos, we are all fine and still in race for the finish line.

All those prayers, guys - are working. Thanks.

more excitement

Things seemed to be cruising along nicely - I was eating well, more active, shopped online for the baby, my diabetes was under control through diet alone - so no more needle pricks. And in another day, I'd be 32  weeks - a silent milestone.

Then, excitement struck. We had a routine MFM appointment on the 22nd of December and lo and behold! my fluid levels are almost dangerously low. the low normal is 8 cm and I measured 3. I was immediately admitted to labor and delivery.

Low AFI (amniotic fluid index) may happen for one of three reasons: a) either I am leaking fluid without realizing it. b) I am insanely dehydrated or c) something may be wrong with the baby not making enough pee.

So the doctor tells me, they would monitor me and if my fluid levels don't go up by upping my fluids or if I am leaking, they would just monitor me for a couple of weeks and deliver around 34 weeks and I would also get a couple of steriod shots to get the baby's lungs ready. TWO weeks in a hospital? You gotto be kidding me!

Anyway, after the torture of an amnisure test, it looked like I wasn't leaking fluid. As it turned out I was dehydrated. Seriously? I was drinking around 2-3 liters of water a day in winter. The steroid shots with the sugary iv, shot my sugars into the andromeda. Anyway, after a night and two days at the hospital I get AFI checked again and it is safely over 8. So I get checked out, in time to receive my brother-in-law visiting us for the holidays.

Fun times!!