Zoo

Hi Laasya,

We went to the zoo this past Sunday (09/21). You were really excited - you had kept saying for quite a few weeks that you wanted to go to the shoo to see tigers. With daddy's surgery coming up, we wanted to make sure you saw the zoo before his surgery.

Well, we took you into the nocturnal animal exhibit where it was really dark and you freaked out. LOL you held onto my neck real tight and kept shouting -'baitaki veldam'. Truth be told, I was a little afraid as well. I was scared I might step/trip on something.

We then went to see birds and snakes which didn't interest you as much. You were quite occupied with my earrings. We then went to see the white tigers. Now, that got you quite excited. There were three of them and one was pacing. I told you it was the Laasya tiger and the other two quieter ones were mommy and daddy tigers. I believe you quite liked the idea, because, everytime we stopped at a group of three animals, they were Mommy, Daddy and Laasya.

Then we went to see Rhinoceros. There were only two of them and you said it was you and daddy. Then daddy said, it was mommy and daddy and that laasya was inside mommy's tummy. You disagreed and insisted that it was Daddy and Laasya and mommy was inside Laasya's tummy. That was pretty funny.

You were excited about the giraffe and said enta podugu neck undi and kept asking where Giraffe's hands were.

We then saw the peacocks dance. There were two peacocks dancing - it was amazing. It was a perfect ending to a perfect day.

Mommy loves you.

Off facebook

Day 2:

Missed day 1 of facebook-freedom experience. I miss that there isn't 'one' website that I can randomly visit mindlessly and stay on for hours. I miss buddhist boot camp posts and some lovely posts of my friend Sophie. But I am not bored. I am not curious about what is going on in anyone else's life. I feel quieter. I have more time to blog. and to finally watch that aws video that I have been meaning to watch.

You are my reason

Hi Laasyamma,

You recently got into the habit of asking 'Laasya em cheppindi' after saying something. It is like you want to know how we interpret what you said. Last week, while I was feeding you breakfast, you sang the barney song - I love you, you love me and where you sing 'kiss from me to you..' you paused and kissed me. I could have died that instant and have no regrets.

Well that is not entirely true. I worry about you - I don't want to die - not just yet anyways. I want to be there and protect you. I want to give you a good life. I want to see you grow up and accomplish things. I want you to have a good life and I want to be there to make it happen. I want to see you become a strong, independent and compassionate woman who is not afraid to be weak.

About this time last year, I went to a self-help program, where I was asked to list the reasons to live and I said I didn't have any - no body really needed me - except perhaps at some future time, my mom. Nobody would sure as hell miss me - again except may be my mom. You would be too young to remember, and you would be fine with daddy I said.

After a year of you - I don't feel that way anymore. I want to live. For You. I want to live - so I can make sure you are raised with love and responsibility. I want to live so there is someone who can fight for you when you are unable to. I want to live - so I can teach you to be a fighter which I know you are. I want to live another day to see you smile once again - to feel your tiny little arms around my neck and your sweet little lips on my cheek.

You make my life worth living.

You are the reason I get out of bed every morning. You are the reason I go to bed every night. You are the reason I do everything I do. I just pray that, when it is indeed time, I have enough courage in me to let you go - soar high, perhaps far away into a world of your own.

Yes, mommy loves you, sweet miracle!

You are better - with a Bang!

Hi Chinni pandu,

You are all better today - what a relief - or not. You have been extremely busy messing up the house, writing on the walls, 'Cleaning' the refrigerator and getting mad when you are told not to do something. If someone saw you today, they'd think we are lying about you being sick until yesterday.

This morning, I was chopping veggies to make upma for us. You came, hugged my leg and stood like that while I chopped.

You hit nanna with a shuttle-racket and when I asked you to return the racket to me on count of three, you ran to the shelf where we put the rackets and put them in there.

Today you did something and got the water dispenser on the refrigerator to work. And, then you spilled water all around the refrigerator. Later, when you ran from the couch towards the kitchen, you slipped and fell in the water you spilled earlier. When that happened, you called me, pointed to the water on the floor and said, 'ikka raku jayi paipotav - water padindi'. You called nanna and told him the same thing.

The sound of you saying 'aaan' makes my heart skip a beat - like really. I want to hug you hard and cry - I am so very lucky you are here today.

Oh and did I mention, I love you?

Baby, you are sick

Dear Laasya,

You have been sick for 3 nights and two days now. You woke up in the middle of the night last night and cried for 'ammamma'. I tried to carry you into our bed and you would have none of that. So I gave in and got into bed with you and ammamma. My sweet baby. I love you so much! I love how you snuggle against me when you are sick. I love that you are up and about 20 minutes after taking your fever medication after having had a temperature of 104.3 F. I love how you ask me questions non-stop. I love how you get excited at the sight of a Koala eating eucalyptus or a Panda eating bamboo. I love that you really think we can't see you when we are just pretending like we can't. I love how you stuck the thermometer and asked me if it was  yummy when I was sick last week. What's not to love about you? Well perhaps all the stress that you put us through when you don't eat your food and all that energy you have when mom is waning. I love how you sang 'I Love You - You love me' in the doctor's office today. My baby.. I can't wait for you to get better. It breaks my heart to see you crawl into a corner when you are getting sick.

Feel better, my love.

A song and lots of love

Dear Laasya,

This morning, I was listening to this beautiful song - 'Tere mere milan ki yeh raina..' - a song that talks about a little flower blooming out of a couples love for each other and how that little flower would adorn their empty arms, and thought about how grateful I am to have you in our lives.
Four years ago all that I wanted in life was for you to happen to us. And a year and a half later, you did. And you transformed my life into something beautiful.

We were in the central lawn area and you came running to us screaming daddy-mommy. Then you and I got on to the dais and sat there looking at the little birdies in the sky. I wanted you to put your head in my lap and lie down while you looked at the sky, clouds and the birds. But you were scared of falling off the dais. I then laid down with you on the dais, which caused you a lot of amusement and you wouldn't stop chuckling. My princess, my baby, my love and my joy - you kissed my finger to make the boo-boo better. I couldn't ask for more. I hope you will remember this forever - Mommy and Daddy love you and would be so totally lost without you.

What are you chasing today?

There is a saying (i think) that kind of means that - the more you chase something the farther it goes. It is only when you give up chase that it will find its way to you.

Well, specifically I am talking about my need for recognition/acknowledgement and to be understood/the need for someone to believe in me. Believe that I am indeed capable of doing great things.

My boss believed in me. My mom believes in me. That's it. I wish I could say that of my husband - he knows that I am but he can't quite give it to me yet. That is my lesson to learn - to not expect even from sources that you are expected to expect from. I probably hurt him with my expression of dissatisfaction and with my need for him to agree with me against his mother.

Things that still hurt me are people attributing qualities and propounding theories about me that are not just less than flattering but outright untrue and relinquishing any personal responsibility in the matter. I guess it is always easy to just blame someone else.

Honesty is both a luxury and a burden. Ooh - and I just read this - The only keeper of your happiness is you. Stop giving people the power to control your smile, your worth and your attitude - neither husband nor mother-in-law.

So I am gonna quit complaining..

Have a good day.